Because I said so!
by Sabriel4
Summary: This is a an advice column of LOTR characters writing to Dear Flabby. May contain some spoilers. It's rated PG just to be safe, for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1: ELF MAIDEN ANGST

Disclaimer: NEWS FLASH! I don't own LOTR! Yes, I know, despite the amazing talent I may be expressing in this FanFic, I don't own it and I am doing this entirely for my own, and your, amusement.  
  
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Because I said so!  
  
Dear Flabby, I am writing because the love of my life it about to be stolen from me by a platinum blonde. Yesterday, I had this strange dream that he was holding her, restraining her, though, from what, I do not know. She seemed to want to get away from his, but soon relaxed in her arms, and her eyes were shining like the stars. (Forgive the cliché; I'm too upset to come up with original similes right now.) Now my father is pressing me to go the West. Do you know what that means? Giving up my room, my computer, most of my clothes, possibly my hard earned perfection, all my mortal friends, my phone, and what's worse, my brown hair might get blonde streaks and I might get a tan! Oh yeah.and Aragorn. Besides, I have a chance to be queen of Gondor! And along comes this bratty blonde obsessed with war. She's going to get killed in battle before he knows what he's doing. Please help me! ~Arwen Evenstar, Daughter of Elrond, Granddaughter of Galadriel, and so on  
  
Dear Arwen, This appears to be a classic case of brunette anxiety. The brain overload can result in bizarre insecurities and utterly pointless fears. Go West; find yourself a new lover to take your mind off of Aragorn. It can also be very helpful to take your anger out on something like a punching bag, or your father. In the mean time, gain so weight (you're freakin' skinny!), grow up, and stop acting like a spoiled, immortal, Elvin princess.  
  
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	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: In case you were wondering, I don't own Lord of the Rings. Which I'm sure you won't. Please don't sue me for having a little fun with the characters.  
  
Because I said so: Chapter 2  
  
Dear Flabby,  
  
I am concerned about a particular object which was stolen from me when I was young and foolish. All right, maybe a bit after that. You see, this halfling took it from us, and we want it back! [*gollum*] It came to us and it belongs to us! But master is taking care of us, we trusts him. [*gollum*] He's being kind to poor Smeagol.  
  
To be honest, the reason I really don't want to hurt master is that [*gollum*] his enormous blue eyes terrify us. When I offered to guide him, I swore on the Precious, but [*shudders*] his eyes really made me do it. They're so big and bright that in the night, they can glow more than mine!  
  
He's stuck with that fat halfling that I can't obey because, quite frankly, he doesn't have the steely Elijah gaze. [*gollum*] Please help us, Flabby. I can't go because he might look at me. Now all of the orcses and nazuls are pursuing us, hypnotized by his eyes.  
  
We got over the Ring a long time ago. [*gollum*] Do something about the eyes!  
  
~Smeagol  
  
  
  
Dear Smeagol,  
  
I think it is time you be truthful to yourself. Suppose it wasn't the eyes that make you crazy. Have you ever felt romantic attraction to males? Keep that in mind. You seem a bit orcish, so that could be their motive as well.  
  
  
  
Also, be a bit friendlier to Sam. You of all people should know that it isn't that easy being under the Eye of Frodo. On top of that, he is his servant, and has to be faithful. AND he has to deal with you!  
  
By the way, rabbit is A LOT better cooked.  
  
P.S. Good luck! I wish you success with your romantic endeavors.  
  
  
  
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***What do you think so far? It sucks? It's the best thing you've ever read? (As if!) Please review!!! It's my first fanfic, so I need to know if I'm on the right track. Thanks for reading this far!!*** 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: In case you were wondering, which I know you weren't, I don't own Lord of the Rings. I'm working on it, though!!  
  
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Dear Flabby,  
  
I speak as an annoyed orc of Mordor. My problem is that in every battle scene, the orcs get their heads cut off, and the human protagonists always survive! It's quite bad enough that we look like a pregnant mother of seven in the morning before her coffee. (The expression, I mean, not the femininity.)  
  
Quite frankly, I'm tired of being always on the side of the bad guy! Hey, dude, we're just doing out job! I just wish people would give us more credit. Whenever an orc gets shot, the viewers feel good. Do you have any idea how offensive this is?  
  
Thank you for getting my views out to the public.  
  
~Tired-Of-Antagonist-Discrimination  
  
Dear Antagonist,  
  
I honestly believe you have some valid points here, but is this what all orcs think?  
  
However, it would be great for you to show your good intentions by perhaps NOT shooting certain people trying to save the world. I dunno, just a suggestion. (Especially Legolas and Frodo: they're much to hot to die.) Please, for the sake of all the lovesick girls out there (such as myself) spare them. 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: *sigh* I don't own Lord of the Rings, I'm not trying to make $$$, not like I could at FanFiction.net. Yadda, yadda, yadda.  
  
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Dear Flabby,  
  
A Ring of Power has been appointed to me, and I must take it to a volcano.  
  
My best friend/mentor was hurled off the edge of a fathomless chasm with a Balrog.  
  
Now a bunch of Black Riders are following me on big dragons.  
  
My servant can't get along with my guide and my guide is lusting after the Ring.  
  
I can't go near any men 'cause they'll get corrupted and I was just captured by one!  
  
The fate of the world rests on my shoulders.  
  
But I'm already trying to kill my only true companion.  
  
I'm starting to lose my amazing good look, my boots are too tight, my shirt itches, I've got a wedgie, I'm too hot, no-too cold, I have to pee, my finger has a hangnail, there are holes in my socks, my back is sore, my curls are drooping, I'm beginning to break out in cold sweat, now my hand is cramping as I write, my shirt is way too tight, I've got songs from "West-Side Story" running through my head, my ear aches, my nose ring is infected, I'm hearing ugly voices, I see dead people, Soylent Green in people, there's a blood blister on my thumb, ow!-I bit my cheek, my stomach's growling like an armored bear and my girlfriend's pissed because I haven't been able to write in weeks!  
  
Please help me!!!  
  
~Just-Another-Hobbit-Off-To-Save-The-World  
  
Dear Hobbit,  
  
OHMYGAWD!!! Is that actually you? Frodo Baggins of the Shire? Elijah Wood??? Will you marry me? Do you wear contact lenses? Why are your eyes to impossibly blue? Just for the record, you are the best look guy in Middle Earth and our Earth and all the other Earths scientists are proving exist parallel to ours. You played in Flipper!!!  
  
I'm not really flabby. It's just a pen name. Honestly! We'd be a P- E-R-F-E-C-T match!!!  
  
Oh.about that Ring thing.what did you say was your problem, again?  
  
  
  
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**Was this one better.or worse? Are there any characters you would like to see in this "column"? Please review! I beg thee!!!** 


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